The Pain of Indecision

Fences contain or protect but they are not designed for growth

Are you sitting on a fence right now? I mean this in a symbolic way, not in a literal way. Is it one of those pokey, picket fences or is it just a comfortable post and rail fence that allows you to have one leg on each side? How are you feeling there?

My theory is that there are two kinds of fence straddlers and I’m sure if you don’t agree, I’ll hear about it in emails (which I welcome). There is the one that is terribly uncomfortable straddling the fence. They lean on one side they get poked and it hurts then the lean on the other side getting poked again and it hurts and they struggle to take the leap. They are not comfortable where they are and each time the lean to one side or another they get poked and they want to avoid the pain so they end up feeling stuck.

Then there is the person that is sitting on a fence, who enjoys the view on each side of the fence. From atop the fencepost they get to see both sides of the fence without leaving either one. A “cake and eat it too” situation, however the person is never fully present on either side and lacks the benefit of fully engaging. The other issue with this is that this straddler gets to tell themselves stories of how they are getting the best of both worlds and may not fully comprehend what they are missing and the pain they cause others from their non-committal state. There is a lot of movement in this state but no moving forward so the person feels stuck and stagnant although not totally unhappy they lack that feeling of happiness they are seeking.

Do either of these situations sound familiar? What is holding you back from deciding which side of the fence you want to be on?

How is making no decision a better decision then the wrong one?

“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”

Neil Peart, Freewill

I don’t mean to trivialize any of these situations. People often find themselves on these fences at the crossroads of pretty important decisions. It is the sheer magnitude of the decision before them that causes the fence to appear in the first place.

I have been through some pretty tough situations myself so I know the depth of thought these take. I am not promoting a big leap here without careful thought, however I am your coach and I will not encourage or allow you to stay there up on a fence – at some point you will become impaled or get splinters where you don’t want splinters!

So how do you move forward when you feel each decision will have strong consequences?

Think

Get honest with yourself, understand what brought you to this situation requiring a decision? Is this something you need to decide for you or is someone else requiring you to make a decision? Remember, there is absolutely no benefit to blame in this stage – or at any stage for that matter – so stay away from that thought process while deeply considering what are the options before you.

Should

While thinking, if the word should comes up, I request that you automatically check in with yourself and find a different reason. If you feel you Should anything, it is not in alignment with you and it is an expectation put onto you by someone or something else. Do not let this feeling of what you “should do” dictate an important decision.

Values

Review your values and how they may play into this decision. If you are deciding based on something outside your values, I’m going to go out on a limb to say you are going to be unhappy with your decision. A good decision will be routed in your value system and you will be able to feel more confident in your choice because of that.

ACT

The final step is to act. Yes, you need to actually act on your decision! If it is a wrong decision, don’t be ashamed to notice and correct, but if you make no decision, everyone loses! If it is the right decision, it won’t necessarily be easy, but there is often a sense of relief after making it. There may be pain that comes from it, or further struggle, but there will be the sense that it is over and the decision has been made and your energy can now be put to use moving forward.

The Relief

I’m not suggesting this is an easy thing to do, however a life lived in indecision or worse yet, drifting for lack of decision is not the abundant life you deserve. I encourage you to live lives that you wish to embrace everything and if this is not the life you are living, make a decision to create that for yourself. You deserve it!

So decide away! And know that you are always just one decision away from whatever you wish for yourself.

-E

The Key To The Law of Attraction

 

The idea that you can OM your way into success or having the life you want is misleading and causing confusion and disappointment.  There is a huge amount of people that have been misdirected into believing having what they want is as easy as simply picturing what they desire.  This misunderstanding has led some people to believe the Law of Attraction is a hoax and it doesn’t work.

Let me tell you why it hasn’t worked.  The Law of Attraction is largely misunderstood.

How the Law of Action really works

There are several steps to the Law of Attraction.  This is not something that you can do in a few minute of meditation each day.  It requires several steps to manifest what you want.

Thought

Before anything comes into existence, it has to start in the mind with an idea. Everything we do, have or become starts with a thought much like a building, it always starts with drawing out what you wish to build.  You take your desire and plan what it will look like, how it will function and feel and how it will be utilized.  By thinking through the details you create first in the mind or on paper (visualization) then bring it forth into reality.

This is often where the law of attraction stops…or at least many people believe it stops.  Think about your dream or goal and it will happen; that’s the idea.  That is where the epic fail comes in.  Some things may indeed happen this way, but very few. There is so much more to this process.

Mindset

Have you ever uttered an affirmation and thought – yah, right!  Who am I kidding?  Or had a dream or desire and thought, well, I’m sure that would work for someone but probably not me.  This is the next and critical step.

You cannot receive what you don’t believe you can have or achieve.  If you believe you are not worthy enough, good enough or capable enough no omming in the world will bring what you desire to you.  Additionally, if what you want is something that you believe you should not want or have you will sabotage your own efforts.  Anything that causes you to believe something is not possible for you for whatever the reason is a limiting belief and must be addressed. Limiting beliefs must be overcome first, otherwise you are wasting time and defeating your own efforts.

Ignition

Once you have washed away the limiting beliefs and you have your vision that you wish to manifest, the final step is action.  Minute or massive, perfect or imperfect action must be taken.  It doesn’t matter if the action you take in the direction of your dreams is exactly correct, but you must do something besides just think about it!  You simply need to start and much like a GPS system the steps you take will redirect or recalculate along the way.

If you sit in a car, have a destination in mind, program your GPS but never put the car in drive you are going nowhere fast!  You can imagine the restaurant you wish to go to, you can almost taste the food, you can hear the atmosphere you can desire this with all your heart but you cannot get there until you put the car in drive!  Once the car is in drive you can set out in the wrong direction or make a wrong turn on your way but when you do that the GPS will say…”Make a U-turn when possible” or redirect you with a different route to your desired destination.  This is the Law of Action and the sign of a great GPS!

Blastoff

Your dreams are the destination, your visualization the GPS and what actions you take are the force that drives you to your destination.

One of these steps without the other is going to produce limited or incomplete results if anything at all.  Once you put them all together you have the key!  Dreams are realized when clear visualization meets focused action.

Now that you have the keys, put your motor in drive and go get those dreams!

 

The Key to Success

The key to success: Show up and don’t give up. This is it. It is that simple, don’t complicate it by thinking too much!

I have been a runner for almost 10 years. I have challenged myself many times along the way, and at times I have just complacently run along at a pace and distance that were comfortable for me.

I just recently ran my second marathon, I felt better prepared for it than my first because I had one experience under my belt. Although I had read the elevation map this time the hills still took me by surprise. I had read about how flat and fast a course this was, however neglected to remember it was still going to be over 26 miles of running! Of course I knew it intellectually, but I forgot how that feels in the moment.

The First Battle Is Your Mind

 I had a lot of time to think over the seemingly endless miles. There were many times where I was tired or sore and I thought about how much easier it would be if I just stopped. I began to try to figure out how would I get back to the start line to get in my car. Then almost immediately I dismissed the crazy idea; I started a marathon, I would finish it. What helped me through this was that I began to realize how far I had already run and how little was in front of me. I remembered the stories about how many people quit when they are right about to get to where they envisioned. At that point, there was no decision to make but to see it through.

I started to see how much my life was like this marathon. I know it’s cliché, “Life is like a marathon” but it’s cliché for a reason. I have been going through my life and career as a 5k runner, occasionally throwing in a 10k. All these races were fine and even a little challenging as I sought to better myself through time and distance, but was I all that I could and wanted to be? Was there something more?

Becoming a Marathoner

Recently I left the corporate world (my 5k & 10k world) and became an entrepreneur (a marathoner). I get up before the sun to line up with many other great people seeking the feeling of self-powered accomplishment. We tackle hills together, some walk, some power up, and some just keep their pace slowly cresting the top. There is almost always a point along the course, or as an entrepreneur, where you question why you are doing this, is it worth it? There is most often a little pain along the way, but we keep moving forward, either slowing our pace or walking if need be. We each face our own challenges along the course, those known and unknown. We have to remind ourselves from time to time how far we’ve come so we don’t give up. The key to those of us that succeed is we just don’t stop, we keep moving forward because for us, there really is no choice but to see it through.

The Success Medal

I believe if we each live our lives as marathoners on our own course, regardless of the distance chosen, we will almost undoubtedly receive our medals. We prepare the best we can, read the maps and signs before we embark while understanding there will likely be unforeseen challenges and obstacles along the way. We power through, slow or walk if we need to but we keep moving forward. Some will get to stand on the podium, but we each receive our medal for our efforts and persistence.

In life success is our medal, some may have a faster pace than others, everyone has their own form and style, but if we just show up to the starting line and don’t give up, we can earn our medal. Where are you on your own course?

An Open Letter To My Children

This post is a bit past due – however the sentiment still applies.

Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate mothers – yours and those that have mothered you and molded you into the person you’ve become, helped you through times you never thought you would make it through and loved you when you felt unlovable.  Mother’s Day is a bit different for me, I don’t see it so much as a day my children honor me, more a day for me to thank them for making me a mother.

I was 19 when I had my first child, I was figuring out how to be an “adult” when I became responsible for this little human – it was terrifying and wonderful all at the same time.  I have literally grown up alongside my children.  I have often said that having children saved my life, and to this day I believe it is true. These days as we have all made it to so-called adulthood, it is fascinating to see the reflection of my life in their lives and theirs in mine.  I am moved by their desire to help others and their empathy and humanitarianism.  I don’t always agree with some of the choices they make and then I remind them, I made a few decisions my parents weren’t thrilled about either – and we all turned out ok in the end.  Sometimes I say that more to remind myself!

On this Mother’s Day I got to speak to my daughter who lives on the other side of the country while she was in between her 2 jobs.  We just chatted as normal about her weekend fun and how she was beginning to get comfortable in this thing we call the “adult world” and some thoughts about what opportunities are in the days ahead for her.  Later I hopped in a car with my son and we drove out to a beach, had Bloody Mary’s, some lunch and a long discussion about travel, what it means to live life fully.

At the end of the day, this for me was a celebration of my children.  I have been incredibly fortunate to be able to have this front row ticket to watching these two develop and grow – they are the show I have come to see and I am excited every day to see what they create in their lives.  I completely owe my gratitude to them as they have supported me, helped me through times I might not have made it through without them, loved me when I felt unlovable and helped me realize and become the woman I am today.

This Mother’s Day, I celebrate my children who raised me while I was raising them and who love and support me through all my dreams and adventures.  May we continue to grow together and discover all life is meant to be for each of us.

With all my love

-Mom

Why I Left Corporate America

I just made a phone call that most people would tell me was crazy.  I turned down a great job at a wonderful company for a lot of money (please don’t tell my father!)  At this point you’re asking if I’m crazy or just independently wealthy.  I can tell you I’m neither.  Let me walk you through this decision in hopes that it might provide some insight for choices you face in your life.

A couple years before I came out to California I sat down and put some great thought into the question, if I could work at any company, which one would it be and why?  I came up with two corporations, both were chosen for their culture and my perception of their top level leadership.  I wanted to spend some time in a company that I admired to learn from the inside out ideas I would want to incorporate in running my own company some day.

I applied to the companies I had chosen and after a couple years a job opened and I was hired.  It was a wonderful and eye-opening experience and I learned volumes about how they interpreted work/life balance, treated employees, customers and even the competition.  I obtained much of the information I sought while also building my own business in my spare time.  During this year it became clear that my time was becoming increasingly more important to me, and working for a purpose was creating such joy in my life I wanted to do more than I could fit in my schedule while working for a corporation.

The day came for me to leave the admired company and I was immediately courted by another great company, different from the two I originally considered, but a great company nonetheless.  I was not looking to stay in “Corporate America”, but I believed I had to at least consider the option and see if I could continue to fit both a job with them and my own business into my days.  After several interviews and discussions with the company the offer came in at a great figure with incredible benefits.  They offered me everything I could want and more – everything that is except for time.

It is ironic that they actually helped me come to this decision unknowingly.  I was asked by one interviewer, what makes you get out of bed in the morning?  Believe it or not, the answer was not corporate law, it was to make a difference.  In the final discussion I had with the HR representative, it was asked that I consider if my extracurricular activities were where I wanted to direct my life or was I interested in growing my paralegal career?

My final answer is I am building a career out of my extracurricular activities because to me that is the life I want to live.  My someday has arrived. Today, I coach people through life transitions and help entrepreneurs grow their businesses.  I may make tons of money or I may just get by financially, but I know that as I move through my days I am excited to wake up in the morning.  I know that what I do each day is making a difference in the lives of others.  I know that I am able to spend time with people I love and care about because I am not beholden to some corporate schedule.

The decision to follow the path I feel I am called to and to spend my days in the manner which brings me fulfillment is not a safe choice.  I know I am risking not having the backing of a large company with benefits and financial means.  I do believe I am making a contribution to others by coaching more than I ever could as a corporate paralegal.  If I am correct in my beliefs, I will have plenty of money to live my life as I choose and be in charge of my time.  If I’m not right in this choice, I will have spent some time living life as I wished, and I can go back to a 9-5 job knowing that I tried something I felt compelled to do and made a difference in at least a few lives.

I encourage you to take stock in your current situation and review if you might be compromising one thing you value for something of less importance.  I encourage you to ask the question, what makes you get out of bed in the morning and find a way to do more of that.

Choose your path

13 Life Lessons Discovered While Hiking Mountains

Camelback Mountain on the way to the summit

I’ve been doing a lot of hiking in a variety of locations lately.  I noticed how similar it is navigating a mountain and navigating life.  Here are a few of my observations:

1. Keep your eyes on the path since there are often things that could trip you up along the way.
2. Take a moment every so often to stop and look at the views along the way – it’s not only the summit that is worth noticing, there are many views to be enjoyed along the journey.
3. Watch your footing – you never know if the ground you’re putting your foot on is stable until you test it a little.
4. The views at the summit are almost always worth far more than the work put in to get there.

   

   Castle Rock Summit – spectacular view of Lake Tahoe

5. Many will admire the mountains, but not everyone will attempt to put the work in to reach the summit.
6. Sometimes the terrain is not what you expected.
7. Prepare for the unexpected – sometimes bad weather moves in fast.

   

   Storm on the horizon

8. If you get caught in a storm take the time to analyze the situation with as much information as you have at the time and make a swift decision, then act!
9. Take in the entire experience all the way through from the base to summit and back to the base.
10. It’s more fun to hike with someone than going it alone.
11. Look for signs along the way that assure you that you are on your desired route.
12. If you make a wrong turn, acknowledge it as soon as possible and backtrack as much as you need to until you can figure the best direction.
13. Pick a focus and relentlessly pursue it until you reach it.

Sometimes you learn a lot about the road you are on by taking one that is unfamiliar.  I find a great deal of wisdom is gained by placing myself outside my routine surroundings.  Sometimes the obvious is seen more easily by simply changing the scenery.

Along the route to Inspiration Point on McDowell Sonoran Preserve

Time to Fly

I have recently made a huge life change.  I know this is not news to those of you that know me, I have a tendency to do this from time-to-time, but for the benefit of all, let me explain how this works for me.  Maybe it will help you pursue something you have been thinking about doing.

I have been planning this change for quite some time.  I have been thinking, dreaming and building up my dream life for about 2 years – before I even came out to California.  I have been putting together a foundation, slowly and surely building it up very carefully one brick at a time.  Now it’s not perfect, nor is it complete, but I’ve got a good base together.

From here I finally have made the leap!  I decided I needed more time and focus on my number one priority.   Too many responsibilities that were more stressors than stress reducers were taking valuable time away from what I truly wanted to do and more importantly feel called to do.  So with a little help I have taken the leap and am stepping away from the security that also has been holding me back.

Now I’m not about to tell you that this is not scary as hell, because it is!  What I will tell you is that even though I’m scared, I’m also at peace.  I am moving forward in the ways I think are right for me, but I am also working hard to listen to and be guided by the Universe.

I tune into the Universe, or my intuition in a very basic way.  I am acutely watching and listening for signs and indications that I’m moving in the right or wrong direction.  I am looking for recurring themes in what I’m reading, listening or hearing about from others and seeing if there are patterns.  When I hear the same thing from a couple different sources, I figure – ok, time to analyze this and see if I’m being sent some type of important information.  For the most part, I think I’m being directed to some great new ideas and concepts that are helping to move me forward.  The peace I feel comes from understanding that as I maintain a close watch on messages around me, I know I won’t drift too far from the right direction before figuring I’m off.

Something I also feel is a very important indicator to determine if I’m following the right direction is how I’m feeling.  I am continually checking myself.  Do I have anxiety?  Am I happy?  Do I feel good about what I am working on?  Do I feel good about the people I’m surrounding myself with?  This isn’t a moment to moment thing, because we all have fleeting feelings all day long, rather this is an overall combination of those moments.

So I take in this information as it comes and from there I put faith in myself and my abilities.  I know this sounds simplistic, but I think it’s something many of us have lost, I know I have from time to time.  This is probably the hardest part and the most important muscle to be exercised!  I put faith in my ability to hear the wisdom of the Universe and follow the path that is before me with confidence that I will make the best decisions at each given moment.  That does not mean this will not have bumps or be flawless, I know I will stumble, but I do have complete faith that I can and will pick myself up and move in the direction that will provide me the best success each and any time it happens.

I think the final piece of this is that I believe I will succeed.  It is important to know the end goal is imminent even though it may not look the same in the end, it will be the right space for me based on the information received along the way.

As far as we know, we only get so many trips around the sun.  I decided that since I’m not sure how much time I get here, now was a great time to live the life of my dreams.  Is it your time?

Time To Fly

Navigating through the fog

Ever feel like you are moving through quicksand?  Ever wonder why, try as you might, you just can’t get where you want to go?  I believe this may be a sign, you may not want exactly what you think you want.  Let me explain.

I have a client who came to me the other day at the end of a goal workshop.  She came to tell me how inspired she was and how she couldn’t wait to begin working with me on her career goals.  I briefly asked her what they were and she told me – she had this degree and she was tracking to get herself this dream job.  Great, right?  Everything in place and a clear direction!  Except, you have to add in the human part.

I asked her if she had a mentor or knew anyone who had achieved what she wanted.  Another big score, she said yes!  She had talked to many people and they told her the only way to do this career was a certain path.  Well, first off, anyone who knows me understands that “only way” is just a challenge in big, bold letters for me!  But this is not me, so for this woman we had a direction, a path and a clear sense she was eligible for this whole desired outcome.  Great!

Here is where the complications arose and the quicksand begins to develop.  The track she needed to set herself on included two to three years of doing a job she just flat out really didn’t want to do!  Here is where it all gets tricky for most people and I expect a few of you might be in a similar situation (clearly different but same).  She kept moving on the same path hoping that it would change yet she was going no where and wasting so much time.  She was in dead-end after dead-end jobs because she was trying to avoid the job she didn’t want to do, and she was still trying to get to her result the same way.

Enter E – your coach for change.

So I asked her, what is it about this end goal that inspires you; why do you want to be where you are looking to be?  She explains (of course adding in that she doesn’t want to do what she’s been told is required, but she still wants this goal).  I ask her, is there any other job in your field of choice that might have some of the same qualities of your goal job?  Is there any other career that you can think of that might bring you the same satisfaction and joy of this goal job?

After a few questions and some thought, it turns out that there might be several options for her that might bring her the same, or close to the same, satisfaction that she desires, without the career track that she has been so desperate to avoid.

Watching her work through this thought process was like watching fog move out of the San Francisco Bay.  At first it looks like it is never moving anywhere, then some movement begins, and with some gentle breezes and the persistence of the California sun, the whole sky clears and the beautiful Golden Gate bridge stands out among the bright blue sky.

Sometimes people get so stuck on one path that they fail to see other options.  They are so focused on the decision they made and so intent upon working their plan that it blocks the signs that maybe, just maybe, they need to rethink their goal and maybe tweak it just a little.

If you find yourself striving and feeling like you are up against a wall or keep coming against wall after wall.  If you feel like you are trying to run in quicksand, I suggest you stop!  Think for a bit.  Assess the signs, are they trying to get your attention?  Might your GPS being trying to tell you, “make a u-turn when possible”?

Sometimes a rest stop along the highway of life gives you time to pull out the map and really figure out, is this the right destination I’m headed to?  If there are things between me and my goal, are they movable?  Are they something I even want to overcome or contend with?  If the obstacles are so solid or against your true self, I believe you will sabotage any efforts you put forward because you can’t make yourself do something that you don’t want to do and have it turn out well!  Try as you might, if you really, in your core are against doing something, you will move forward maybe, but you will be slogging it the entire way and come up against obstacle after obstacle at best or at worse just fail miserably for no reason.  This is the Universe giving you signs – it is what you do with those signs that makes both the journey and the result worth the effort.

Take a moment to think about your path and your desires – have you been receiving signs?  Are you on the right track or might you sit back and rethink how you might get your desired result by a different path?

The difference between reaching a goal at all costs, and reaching a goal that is in tune with who you truly are is the difference between accomplishment and success.

The Challenges in Decision

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. – Rush

I have a very common affliction, FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) syndrome, so it doesn’t surprise most people that I jump on opportunities when they come about, no matter how crazy they are. I’ve driven from Boston to New York City (4 hour drive) for a lunch date with a friend – it made for a 12 hour day for a lunch, but I wouldn’t have missed it! I have also made some very difficult decisions which were life altering for my entire family. I have very little trouble taking action regardless if others understand or agree with my decisions at the time.

People often seek me out because I am adventurous and take risks. There are a lot of fun decisions I have made that excite people, and there are a few really tough decisions that many people fear to make. They want to know how I calculate the decisions I make and what helps me to make some of the major, and sometimes unpleasant changes.

Recently I have been working with a couple of different people who are at life crossing points. Each have entirely different stories and situations and are in vastly different age groups, but I believe the underlying problem is identical and one faced often by many people when coming to a major decision. Neither of these people have been able to make a decision. To decide is to cut off a possibility, or as I’ve used in the past, “ to burn the boat.” Each person’s decision will be a life change, and change is scary for most people, and major change can be paralyzing for some.

Most times when making a big change people are afraid of making the wrong decision and not being able to go back. I understand this and it is a real and very valid fear. Great care must be taken in analyzing the situation and weighing out all the elements within the decision. Careful consideration is a key step, however, when it lasts over a long period of time I believe it can cause more pain than it avoids.

Ultimately, my concern is not really about coming to an understanding about what to do, because most people are quite thoughtful of major decisions before coming to conclusions. The real issue, and I believe why they end up with me, is that once a conclusion is made, not taking action on that conclusion is like sitting on a picket fence post! It is painful, not only to the person who has concluded yet not taken any action, but also to whomever else that decision may affect.

Action must follow conclusion. Ultimately, all parties involved will benefit from at least a clear new direction, whether desired or not. If it’s a job change, the boss/company will be able to begin searching for a qualified replacement, if it’s a relationship, both parties are given an opportunity to work on themselves individually and potentially find a more suitable mate.

If one focuses on the benefits of a decision, even the tough ones, it gives hope and promise to the end of the current situation. It allows the end of anything to be the beginning of something. I’m not trying to diminish the tragedy of some of the decisions that need to be made; what I am trying to do is share that almost every decision will have both good and bad effects. Often times people are so focused on the bad that they have trouble taking action on something and usually worse situations result.

Making decisions, both joyful and painful, are opportunities to live true to yourself. I firmly believe that when we act in ways that are not true to ourselves, our values and our spirit, we fail. You honor yourself and others by living your life truly, and sometimes, that means making a tough decision. As the saying goes, it may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Wishing you the courage to make the decisions that keep you true to yourself.

Peace

Move off the fence and travel the path